[ They had gotten to talking about quests, and Shouto being Shouto and unfazed by literally anything, somehow they'd agreed to do this ... cuddling ... thing.
While Shouto might be unfazed, Vriska is very fazed. As fazed as it is possible to be and still agree to do this kind of thing.
So here they are sitting on the floor of Shouto and Izuku's place, Deku lurking nearby as Vriska tries to convince herself this cuddling thing is fine and normal and totally cool. She's pretty blue in the face, though. ]
How do you, like...
[ a pause.
she turns, if possible, more blue. she almost looks kind of frustrated. ]
[Shouto's hardly bothered by something as simple as doing a quest. It doesn't bother him at all, being stuck under a blanket. Granted the last two people he did this quest with were Izuku and Ochako.
They seemed much less embarrassed.
So Shouto picks up one of the blankets and throws it over himself and the part of the couch.]
First we both get under the blanket together.
[Deku sees Shouto on the couch and immediately jumps onto one of the arm rests, waiting for the attention he's clearly owed.]
God, you are both such losers, [ she breathes, mostly to herself, staring at the blanket. She'll kind of throw herself on the couch, still very blue, and pull the blanket over herself, though she doesn't manage to get in close for cuddles yet. Baby steps! ]
... at least you won't make fun of me. [ Vriska sighs, sudden and explosive. ] Sorry. As strange as it may sound to a human, I have never done this kind of thing before. Trolls aren't big on physical affection.
[ Vriska glances at him, then glances away. She does this twice (!) more before she finally shifts over on the couch. Eventually their sides touch, but that's all she manages. Shouto will find her skin is cool to the touch, and a subtly different texture than a human's. ]
Can I ask what your father was like? I still don't know much about human guardians. John always sounded very fond of his, when we talked about it. [ She chances a glance at him, and while she doesn't look away this time, she can't help but think about how strange it is to be so close to someone for what feels like no reason. ]
[For some reason, he feels like he's dealing with another cat. A skittish cat who wants some attention, but doesn't want to admit it.
Shouto looks up at the ceiling for a moment. Vriska wouldn't go around telling everybody, probably. So he starts talking about Endeavor.]
He was terrible. I don't think fathers are supposed to be like him. He had me because he couldn't surpass All Might on his own. As soon as I showed my quirk, when I was four, he isolated me from my siblings. It didn't matter that I was young. I was his "greatest masterpiece" so just a tool to him.
He trained me every day until I threw up. He was so awful that my mother had a mental break from dealing with him constantly. Then he locked her up in a mental hospital for ten years.
[ There is a certain softness in her face while she watches him talk. Not sympathy, exactly. A lack of judgment. Understanding. ]
I am sorry. I know what it's like to grow up with a brutal guardian. My own chose me, and I was expected to fill an extremely demanding role at a young age.
[ Slightly -- enough to be felt -- she'll lean into him. ]
It's pretty fucked up when you think about it. It took me a long time to realize how shitty and awful it was, as expectations go. To demand so much of a literal child is messed up beyond belief. "Masterpiece." [ She scoffs, though it's not a sharp sound. ] Fuck that. And fuck him!
[He catches the look. If it's anything, it's the knowledge that they both were dealt a shit hand when it came to parental figures. Neither of them deserved it, but both of them were strong enough not to follow in their shadow.
They're their own people now, regardless of who raised them.
Shouto doesn't move in or away from her. When she's comfortable, she'll lean in further, he thinks. He has to let the cat make the moves or he'll startle her.]
I hate him. Fuck that guy, and fuck your guardian. ["Deserve" is a strange word for him to use. He doesn't always believe it, when it comes to himself. Did he deserve better? Questionable. Did his mother? Absolutely.
He can say it for other people, as honest and blunt as he always is.] You deserved better than a guardian like that.
[ He's right, to an extent that would piss her off if he verbalized it. It's slow, painstakingly slow, the way she eases herself into this. Like lowering yourself into a scalding hot bath. Soon you may find yourself relaxing into it, but the first touch of that water can feel like painful burning if you're not prepared for it.
The bluntness in his voice -- the sincere, self-sure iron of it -- wins a hesitant kind of silence. This silence may be familiar by now, given how often he's won it from her. That silence that always comes over her when she can't quite decide how much to tell him about who she is, and what she's done.
In the end she looks away, down, her jaw flexing. ]
... I had to feed her.
[ quietly, like the truth might offend the air they're breathing. ]
I heard her in my head. Constantly. She'd just yell and yell about how hungry she was. [ With sudden, biting hatred: ] That manipulative bitch was carnivorous, and all she ate was kids.
[ A breath in through her nose, and Vriska curls up, pulling her knees to her chest and burying her face in the blanket till all that's left is the thin white slits of her eyes. ]
I couldn't tell you how many I killed. Easily hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds of dead kids, and it was never enough for her. And I didn't dare fuck up, because if I did, she'd just eat me. Or she'd die, and the Empress's drones would kill me instead. Either way it would have been a death sentence.
At the time I told myself I was strong. That no other kids could have handled what I was made to do. Everything about my blood and my position insisted I should have been proud. But that's bullshit. The real truth was that I hated the killing. I had horrific nightmares for years about all their vengeful ghosts.
[ Finally she hides her face completely. Her muffled voice sounds both distant and exhausted. ]
I know how it sounds, and if you want me to leave, I will.
[It's a lot. It's so much to take in all at once. Vriska was killing people as a child, other kids. But she had to if she didn't want to die. If there was nobody else, her guardian would have eaten her instead. That's the kind of life that she lived in, harsh, cruel and unfair. Her guardian should've never been a guardian. What kind of fucked up bullshit is that?
Her guardian was always talking to her? Sure, Shouto heard his father's voice ringing in his ears, a masterpiece, a tool, never a person. But at least he wasn't always there. At least that wasn't constant.
Vriska hated it. She did what she had to in order to survive. Kill or be killed. Vriska was younger than he is now when she died. She lived a life that sounds like it's full of regrets. She didn't like having to murder, and why should she? She was just a kid, trying to survive.
Extenuating circumstances. A child. She'd probably be sentenced to therapy at the worst. Community service, something to get her away from her abuser.
If he was Izuku than maybe he would go in for a hug, maybe he would give her more of a action that tells her he doesn't blame her for it. Actions might speak louder than words, but Shouto's never been good at comforting either way.
He leans into her, gently, slightly, letting her know he's here. He's not going anywhere.]
Fuck your guardian and what she made you do. [There's barely contained anger in his voice. He says it with iron-rod conviction.]
Instead he leans into her, and with a non-sound, an odd hiccup of breath, she presses herself into him in turn. Unthinking she turns her face into his shoulder, desperately relieved by the warmth and presence of him, the fact that she hasn't been robbed of it. All of her is slight and cool, like she's barely even there. Only up close is it truly obvious how much a ghost she really is.
She's quiet for a long time, just one tremor all through her the only other indication of her snarled-up emotions. ]
I am just so relieved you don't hate me. [ That's what she finally says, and despite all her best efforts, her voice still wavers just a little bit on a sigh of held-in tears. ] I know what I did! I know there is no forgiving it. But troll society encourages killing! Relishes it, even. Only the weakest and most pathetic of failures would have balked at the responsibility I was given. Even now I still kind of feel ashamed of myself for admitting this to you.
[ Quiet again, though only for a few breaths this time. ] God. I hated her. It is such a relief to say that out loud to someone who understands.
[She's already dead. She's probably already had to deal with what she's done. The things she made herself do, despite hating it.
Here's the thing about Shouto. He's already made his decision around her. She's his friend. He has so few of them, and even fewer who can understand what it was he lived through. It wasn't as brutal as Vriska's but it wasn't right either. He wasn't going to cast her out unless she tried to kill him now, and even then he'd try to understand why.]
Some things shouldn't be guardians. I'm not a troll, but asking to kill hundreds of other kids sounds fucked up no matter what. Just because people act one way doesn't mean that's how they really are. [In other words, he's pretty sure anybody would've had trouble doing what was asked, no matter how brave a face they put on.]
It's brave to say it. [They hate their parents. Their parents have done plenty to deserve it. Vriska's not a failure.]
[ Again it takes some time, but with slow and strangely careful deliberation, Vriska will wrap both her arms around the one of his she's leaning against, hugging it loosely. This is very likely as close as she'll get to cuddling, but it's a pretty decent approximation of the real thing. Least, far as she's concerned.
Her friend. Her friend. He doesn't hate her. He doesn't know all her crimes, but he knows the worst of them, and he doesn't hate her.
Vriska will laugh, the sound of it wry and tired. ]
No, you're right. None of my friends had to deal with a lusus as demanding as mine. Maybe Feferi, but even hers was less brutal. [ That won't mean anything to him, and she knows that, but at this point she's just kind of easing herself back into talking normally. Slowly relaxing every muscle in her limbs and throat and face, which had been prepared to spring, ready to help her run and hide and bare fury instead of pain.
Sighing out, silently this time, she'll lean her head on his shoulder, careful of her horns, and shut her eyes.
Just because people act one way doesn't mean that's how they really are. ]
We are not the people they wanted us to be. And you know what? Good.
[ another pause. this next thing she says very softly, as if some piece of her hopes he won't hear. ]
[Shouto lets her dictate the pace of their cuddling. Partially because he also isn't really sure what cuddling with a friend looks like. He's used to Izuku and he knows that's a different kind of comfort level.
He nods once, solidly. We are not the people they wanted us to be. Good. If he ever ended up like his father, he thinks he'd hate himself. He tries damn hard to be better than that old man. A better person, a better hero. Somebody who doesn't fuck up everybody around him.
Vriska is probably the only person here who really understands even a part of what kind of life he's led. Forced into something because of their guardian and hating it.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
why did i put the hash. you know who i am. hello mira.
While Shouto might be unfazed, Vriska is very fazed. As fazed as it is possible to be and still agree to do this kind of thing.
So here they are sitting on the floor of Shouto and Izuku's place, Deku lurking nearby as Vriska tries to convince herself this cuddling thing is fine and normal and totally cool. She's pretty blue in the face, though. ]
How do you, like...
[ a pause.
she turns, if possible, more blue. she almost looks kind of frustrated. ]
How do you ... I don't know, do this?
hello pip i know it's you
They seemed much less embarrassed.
So Shouto picks up one of the blankets and throws it over himself and the part of the couch.]
First we both get under the blanket together.
[Deku sees Shouto on the couch and immediately jumps onto one of the arm rests, waiting for the attention he's clearly owed.]
screams im sorry... ilu
... at least you won't make fun of me. [ Vriska sighs, sudden and explosive. ] Sorry. As strange as it may sound to a human, I have never done this kind of thing before. Trolls aren't big on physical affection.
ilu2 ♥
I haven't really done it a lot either. My father wasn't the coddling type and I didn't have friends until this year.
no subject
Can I ask what your father was like? I still don't know much about human guardians. John always sounded very fond of his, when we talked about it. [ She chances a glance at him, and while she doesn't look away this time, she can't help but think about how strange it is to be so close to someone for what feels like no reason. ]
no subject
Shouto looks up at the ceiling for a moment. Vriska wouldn't go around telling everybody, probably. So he starts talking about Endeavor.]
He was terrible. I don't think fathers are supposed to be like him. He had me because he couldn't surpass All Might on his own. As soon as I showed my quirk, when I was four, he isolated me from my siblings. It didn't matter that I was young. I was his "greatest masterpiece" so just a tool to him.
He trained me every day until I threw up. He was so awful that my mother had a mental break from dealing with him constantly. Then he locked her up in a mental hospital for ten years.
no subject
I am sorry. I know what it's like to grow up with a brutal guardian. My own chose me, and I was expected to fill an extremely demanding role at a young age.
[ Slightly -- enough to be felt -- she'll lean into him. ]
It's pretty fucked up when you think about it. It took me a long time to realize how shitty and awful it was, as expectations go. To demand so much of a literal child is messed up beyond belief. "Masterpiece." [ She scoffs, though it's not a sharp sound. ] Fuck that. And fuck him!
no subject
They're their own people now, regardless of who raised them.
Shouto doesn't move in or away from her. When she's comfortable, she'll lean in further, he thinks. He has to let the cat make the moves or he'll startle her.]
I hate him. Fuck that guy, and fuck your guardian. ["Deserve" is a strange word for him to use. He doesn't always believe it, when it comes to himself. Did he deserve better? Questionable. Did his mother? Absolutely.
He can say it for other people, as honest and blunt as he always is.] You deserved better than a guardian like that.
no subject
The bluntness in his voice -- the sincere, self-sure iron of it -- wins a hesitant kind of silence. This silence may be familiar by now, given how often he's won it from her. That silence that always comes over her when she can't quite decide how much to tell him about who she is, and what she's done.
In the end she looks away, down, her jaw flexing. ]
... I had to feed her.
[ quietly, like the truth might offend the air they're breathing. ]
I heard her in my head. Constantly. She'd just yell and yell about how hungry she was. [ With sudden, biting hatred: ] That manipulative bitch was carnivorous, and all she ate was kids.
[ A breath in through her nose, and Vriska curls up, pulling her knees to her chest and burying her face in the blanket till all that's left is the thin white slits of her eyes. ]
I couldn't tell you how many I killed. Easily hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds of dead kids, and it was never enough for her. And I didn't dare fuck up, because if I did, she'd just eat me. Or she'd die, and the Empress's drones would kill me instead. Either way it would have been a death sentence.
At the time I told myself I was strong. That no other kids could have handled what I was made to do. Everything about my blood and my position insisted I should have been proud. But that's bullshit. The real truth was that I hated the killing. I had horrific nightmares for years about all their vengeful ghosts.
[ Finally she hides her face completely. Her muffled voice sounds both distant and exhausted. ]
I know how it sounds, and if you want me to leave, I will.
no subject
Her guardian was always talking to her? Sure, Shouto heard his father's voice ringing in his ears, a masterpiece, a tool, never a person. But at least he wasn't always there. At least that wasn't constant.
Vriska hated it. She did what she had to in order to survive. Kill or be killed. Vriska was younger than he is now when she died. She lived a life that sounds like it's full of regrets. She didn't like having to murder, and why should she? She was just a kid, trying to survive.
Extenuating circumstances. A child. She'd probably be sentenced to therapy at the worst. Community service, something to get her away from her abuser.
If he was Izuku than maybe he would go in for a hug, maybe he would give her more of a action that tells her he doesn't blame her for it. Actions might speak louder than words, but Shouto's never been good at comforting either way.
He leans into her, gently, slightly, letting her know he's here. He's not going anywhere.]
Fuck your guardian and what she made you do. [There's barely contained anger in his voice. He says it with iron-rod conviction.]
no subject
He's not casting her out.
Instead he leans into her, and with a non-sound, an odd hiccup of breath, she presses herself into him in turn. Unthinking she turns her face into his shoulder, desperately relieved by the warmth and presence of him, the fact that she hasn't been robbed of it. All of her is slight and cool, like she's barely even there. Only up close is it truly obvious how much a ghost she really is.
She's quiet for a long time, just one tremor all through her the only other indication of her snarled-up emotions. ]
I am just so relieved you don't hate me. [ That's what she finally says, and despite all her best efforts, her voice still wavers just a little bit on a sigh of held-in tears. ] I know what I did! I know there is no forgiving it. But troll society encourages killing! Relishes it, even. Only the weakest and most pathetic of failures would have balked at the responsibility I was given. Even now I still kind of feel ashamed of myself for admitting this to you.
[ Quiet again, though only for a few breaths this time. ] God. I hated her. It is such a relief to say that out loud to someone who understands.
no subject
Here's the thing about Shouto. He's already made his decision around her. She's his friend. He has so few of them, and even fewer who can understand what it was he lived through. It wasn't as brutal as Vriska's but it wasn't right either. He wasn't going to cast her out unless she tried to kill him now, and even then he'd try to understand why.]
Some things shouldn't be guardians. I'm not a troll, but asking to kill hundreds of other kids sounds fucked up no matter what. Just because people act one way doesn't mean that's how they really are. [In other words, he's pretty sure anybody would've had trouble doing what was asked, no matter how brave a face they put on.]
It's brave to say it. [They hate their parents. Their parents have done plenty to deserve it. Vriska's not a failure.]
no subject
Her friend. Her friend. He doesn't hate her. He doesn't know all her crimes, but he knows the worst of them, and he doesn't hate her.
Vriska will laugh, the sound of it wry and tired. ]
No, you're right. None of my friends had to deal with a lusus as demanding as mine. Maybe Feferi, but even hers was less brutal. [ That won't mean anything to him, and she knows that, but at this point she's just kind of easing herself back into talking normally. Slowly relaxing every muscle in her limbs and throat and face, which had been prepared to spring, ready to help her run and hide and bare fury instead of pain.
Sighing out, silently this time, she'll lean her head on his shoulder, careful of her horns, and shut her eyes.
Just because people act one way doesn't mean that's how they really are. ]
We are not the people they wanted us to be. And you know what? Good.
[ another pause. this next thing she says very softly, as if some piece of her hopes he won't hear. ]
I am glad I met you, Shouto.
no subject
He nods once, solidly. We are not the people they wanted us to be. Good. If he ever ended up like his father, he thinks he'd hate himself. He tries damn hard to be better than that old man. A better person, a better hero. Somebody who doesn't fuck up everybody around him.
Vriska is probably the only person here who really understands even a part of what kind of life he's led. Forced into something because of their guardian and hating it.]
I'm glad I met you too.